Random Tales About Various People
by The Hobbit Lass
Summary: Title basically says all. Jonathan's best friend is a pickle, Numair is insane, Thayet loses her hair, Cleon wears a tutu, and all sorts of other disturbing things occur.
1. Jonathan and His Pickle Named Fred!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except Fred the pickle.

Episode One: Jonathan and His Pickle Named Fred

One day, in the merry old land of Tortall, King Jonathan pranced through the palace. He closed his eyes and pretended that he was skipping through a field of flowers.

Various Tortallans gaped at their king in horror. It appeared that he had gone mad.

Jon continued his crazed prancing, and suddenly tripped over something. "Egad! What was that!" He picked up the thing he had tripped over. "Gasp! A pickle!" He cradled the pickle tenderly in his arms. "You shall be my best friend forever and I will call you... Fred!"

Fred said nothing. Jon assumed that the pickle was delighted and hugged it tighter. "There's finally somebody out there who actually likes me!"

"Gasp!" gasped various Tortallans. "There is! This is big news! Tell the entire world!"

"I must be really hated and friendless for them to make such a big deal over this. Oh well! Come along, Fred!" He grabbed Fred and they skipped off together.

_This guy is a complete fruit... Somebody save me!_ Fred thought frantically.

"Look everyone!" Jon announced. "Look at my new friend, Fred!"

Gary stared at Jon and his companion with a disturbed expression on his face. "That thing's a pickle!"

"Yes, I know!" said Jon proudly.

Gary became very frightened and hurriedly walked away. Far away. Very far away.

"PICKLE!" screamed a crazed voice. Numair popped out from behind a wall and tried to grab Fred.

"No, _my_ pickle!" whined Jon. "You cannot eat him!"

A single tear slid down Numair's cheek. He looked imploringly at his king, but Jon turned around and walked heartlessly away.

_Darn it, I thought that mage guy would've taken me away,_ Fred said to himself. _Oh well, he seemed like a dangerous psycho anyway..._

Thayet the queen was walking along holding a mirror no more than four inches from her face. "Ahh... so beautiful and perfect..."

"HELLO THAYET!" shrieked Jon.

"Eep!" squealed Thayet. She dropped her mirror in shock, and it broke into two pieces. "Jonathan, you distracted me from myself!"

"Look at my new friend, Fred!" exclaimed Jon, waving the pickle in his wife's face.

Thayet glared at him. "I bet you like that dumb pickle better than me, don't you!

"I never said that-" began Jon.

"Give me that!" Thayet snatched Fred and threw him in the trash.

_Yippee! Freedom!_ Fred thought happily.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Jon hysterically. "FRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!"

"Hmph!" hmphed Thayet. She scooped up the broken fragments of her mirror and strutted away.

"Stupid overly jealous wife..." Jon muttered.

Suddenly, a random hobo came along to dig in the trash. "Hey, a pickle!

"Back off, you hobo! That pickle is mine!" Jon argued.

"But we found it, we did!" the hobo insisted. "It's ours, it is! And we wantsss it!" He then took the pickle into a remote corner and sat there stroking it. "My preciousss..."

_Okay, maybe this is even worse than the fruity king_, Fred thought. _At least the king bathed. This guy smells like a broken privy._

"My precioussss..." hissed the hobo. He stopped his stroking and took a bite out of Fred. "Yum, pickle..."


	2. Roger Meets His Doom

Episode Two: Roger Meets His Doom

One day, in the sunshiny land of Tortall, Roger paraded around the palace grounds. "Look everyone! Look at my perfect pretty clothes!"

"Gasp!" gasped Thayet. "Someone like me who has a taste of style and perfection!"

"Ahem," coughed Jon, glaring at his wife.

"Heh heh, but I'd never leave you, dear."

"Roger, I thought you were dead," Faithful pointed out.

"Well so are you, you stupid cat!" Roger shot back.

"Oh yes, you're right," said Faithful. "Uh oh." He was then trampled to death by a traveling circus.

"Hey, where'd the circus come from!" Roger shouted. "I never gave permission for a circus to come barging through here!"

Jon shrugged. "Don't ask me, I'm just stupid." He then contracted a deadly stupidity disease and lay down on the floor.

"Since my father is deathly ill, then does that make me king?" Prince Roald asked.

"Sure, why not!" said some various Tortallans. "You'd make a better king than Jonathan!"

"Yippee!" cried King Roald. Being his father's son, he had inherited a large share of stupidity genes. As his first act as king, he accidentally blew up the city of Corus. Well, at least his uncle would be proud of him.

"Okay, that wasn't good at all," the various Tortallans muttered, as they surveyed the damage.

"NOOOOO!" cried Thayet hysterically. "My clothes! My makeup! It all exploded!" She started to scream and convulse in such an irritating way that she was promptly hit over the head and dragged away.

"Um... since I blew up the city, where will we live now?" Roald asked.

"How should we know! You're the one who's king!" screamed Kel. "Stupid nobles don't know anything..."

"Hey, we can all live in a giant hole in the ground!" Numair suggested. Everyone looked at him very oddly. "Just an idea..."

"Well, it's the only idea! So let's do it!" Roald decided.

And so all of the people of Tortall found a nice roomy hole to comfortably settle in.

"Hey, this is _my_ hole! Get out!" ordered a hobbit named Frodo Baggins.

Roald eyed the hobbit suspiciously. "Don't you have a quest to fulfill, little man?"

Frodo looked shifty-eyed and leaned in close to Roald. "Don't tell anyone," he whispered, "but I'm taking a little 'vacation'."

"You furry-footed fiend!" screamed Roger for no apparent reason at all. "This isn't your home anymore!"

"Alright, alright! I'm out of here!" And Frodo disappeared.

"This was extremely weird and pointless," Wyldon commented.

"Well so are you!" screamed Kel. She huffed and puffed angrily and blew herself down.

While all of this happened, a random Stormwing flew lazily overhead. "I feel like wreaking havoc today!"

"Eek! A Stormwing!" cried Roald. He and everybody else all crowded into the hole as fast as they could. All of them except Roger.

"I am too stupid to be aware of the Stormwing that I'm not supposed to know about!" Roger announced. He sat on the ground and scratched pictures in the dirt with a stick.

"There is no one for me to wreak havoc on except for that idiot duke!" moaned the Stormwing.

"Hey, who just called me an idiot!" yelled Roger. He stood and brandished his stick.

"I did!" the Stormwing confessed.

"St-St-St-St-St-St-Stormwing!" Roger cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Roald poked his head out of the hole's door. "Roger, quit yelling!"

"NEVER!" screamed Roger.

"Alanna, you may do the honors," Roald said.

"Oh goody!" Alanna ran outside and hacked off Roger's head before Roger could even say "Superfluous", which happened to be a very fun word to say.

"YAY!" cried the Stormwing happily. He befouled Roger's body and then ate it.

"How could anybody possibly survive from eating Roger?" Alanna wondered.

"You have a point," said the Stormwing. He then promptly died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! I loved him!" cried Ozorne.

"Wow, that's extremely scary," Roald commented.

Ozorne then flew off to eat cheese, and everyone lived happily ever after. For the time being, that is.


	3. Numair's Unwelcome Lover

Episode Three: Numair's Unwelcome Lover

One day, in the slightly disturbed land of Tortall, Numair decided that he would scream out the word, "FISH STICKS!"

"What!" cried Alanna.

"Fish sticks!" Numair replied. "They're taking over the world, ruuuuuun!"

"Um...sure," said Alanna. She then ran off to find Numair a good psychiatrist.

Numair then spun around in a circle for no reason. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" he spun around too fast and threw up on the floor. "I'm dizzy."

A random servant scurried to the scene and cleaned up Numair's accident. "I hope I'm getting paid extra for this..."

"Nope! Sorry!" Jon told the servant. "Haha!" A hurrock then fell from the sky and scratched him. "OW! What was that for!"

"You must have insulted the Frizzy Sparkly Grammatical Erroring Zebras!" Numair informed him.

"Don't worry, everybody! I'm working on getting that psychiatrist!" Alanna yelled.

"Zebra has the word "bra" in it! Hehehe!" laughed Neal.

Kel rolled her eyes. "Of course you of people would notice something like that."

"Yep!" said Neal.

"I'm bored," Numair announced. "I think I will irritate the king." He snuck up behind and dumped a bucket of dry ice on the king's head.

"OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!" IT BURNS!" Jon screamed, as Numair stood behind him and laughed. "The burning sensation! Who did that!

Numair pulled an innocent face. "Um... Fred the pickle!"

"Hey!" yelled Fred, feeling insulted. 

Suddenly, lo and behold! Roger was standing behind a tree! That poor tree. "Bwhahaha!" Roger cackled. "With my magical abilities I shall cast an evil spell on Jon!" He shot some evil looking orange light at Jon, and then disappeared.

"Duh...what was that?" Jon mumbled.

"I dunno," Numair replied. "I didn't notice anything."

Jon then looked at Numair, and the spell began to take effect. "Whoa... did I ever tell you that you've got the sexiest black hair I've ever seen!"

Numair looked startled. "Jon? Are you all right?"

"Of course I am. Being with you makes me feel all fluttery inside."

Numair started tremble and sweat with fear. "Jon, you're really scaring me!"

"Well, I'm off to find a psychiatrist for Jon too!" Alanna announced.

Jon cleared his throat. "Numair Salmalin, I never realized it before... but I LOVE YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Numair screamed. He took off running as fast as he could.

"NO! Come back, my hot mage!"

"NEVER!" Numair insisted.

"But I desperately love you!" Jon implored.

"Hey everybody, Jon loves Numair!" Gary announced.

"What is the world coming to!" moaned various Tortallans.

"Numair, marry me, I beg you!" Jon pleaded.

"But what about Thayet?" Numair asked.

"Lalala..." Thayet sang, as she took a walk outside. Suddenly, a hole opened up in the ground and she fell through it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-"

"Taken care of," said Jon.

"Well my answer is no. I'd rather marry the giant purple praying mantis than marry you!"

"What giant purple praying mantis?"

"The one over there that's smashing houses and eating people," said Numair, pointing.

"Oh goodness gracious!" said Jon.

"RARRRRGH!" roared the giant purple praying mantis. It grabbed Jon and ate him.

"This calls for celebration!" cried the Tortallans.

Alanna then came running through the crowd of partying Tortallans. "I've just scheduled for Numair and Jon to meet with a psychiatrist tomorrow!"

"Jon won't be coming, he got eaten," Numair informed her.

"YAY!" cried Alanna happily. She then did a stupid little dance. Numair joined in the stupid dancing. "ASPARAGUS!" he yelled.

"Whatever, Numair," muttered Alanna.


	4. Zombie Kel

Episode Four: Zombie Kel

One day, in the idiot infested land of Tortall, Jon, Alanna, Thayet, Neal, Daine, Numair, Dom, Kel, and various other Tortallans were standing around not knowing what to do with themselves.

"I'm a jerk," Jon announced out of boredom.

"I'm aware of that," Alanna said.

"I'm pretty!" Thayet announced out of boredom.

Neal started to drool. "No kidding!"

Jon slapped Neal. "Back off, she's mine!"

"Fine then." Neal then turned his attention to Daine. "Hello, lovely Wildmage."

Numair slapped him. "Back off, he's mine!"

Daine turned red in the face. "Did you just call me a he!"

Numair looked embarrassed and stared down at the ground. "Oops, I meant to say she!"

But Daine would not take the accidental insult lightly. "You mistook me for a guy! It's because I wear breeches, isn't it!" She slapped Numair and ran off in tears. Numair stood there bawling his eyes out.

"If she doesn't like you anymore, can I have her?" Neal asked hopefully.

Numair looked at Neal, blinked several times, and said, "Flying monkeys are swimming in my shoe."

Neal looked very confused. "Huh?"

"They're invading my shoe! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" screamed Numair. He frantically took off his shoe and threw it. It flew through the air and hit Dom in the head.

"Ow!" said Dom.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HE'S BEEN GIVEN A CONCUSSION!" screamed Kel. She then died of grief.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! KEL!" screamed Wyldon. He then died of grief. Five seconds later, he opened his eyes, and said, "Wait a minute! I didn't mean that!"

"Usually I'm the one who gets hit with random objects," Jon commented. Suddenly, a rock flew into his face, breaking his nose. "I guess I spoke too soon."

Dom looked confused and surveyed Kel's dead body. "I don't even have a concussion!" He shrugged. "Oh well!" He pushed Kel's body out of the way, picked up the shoe, and threw it as far as he could. It sailed through the air and hit Jon square in the crotch area.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Jon screamed, in a high-pitched voice. He staggered around and then fainted.

Dom hid behind Thayet. "I didn't do it!"

Suddenly, Kel woke up, even though she was still dead. "I am a zombie! Mwahahaha!"

"My mirage of delight isn't so delightful anymore," Cleon commented.

"I feel like killing someone," Kel decided. "Because that it is what zombie lady knights do!"

"Hmm... how about the idiot who rules this land... hint hint..." suggested some various Tortallans.

"Great idea!" said Kel. She clapped her hands. "Come here, my friends!"

"Okay!" said a group of maggots. They swarmed around Jon and ate his flesh, which was extremely disturbing yet slightly amusing anyway.

"Oh darn," said George. "They ate the flesh off his ears... now I can't chop them off!"

"You can have the cartilage that makes up his ears," Kel suggested.

"Okay!" said George happily.

"Flying monkeys are swimming in my other shoe now!" Numair announced frantically.

"Shush, Numair! No one cares!" George snapped.

Kel looked around at the group of people. "I shall now kill... Cleon!"

"Why me!" Cleon moaned.  
Kel thought for a moment. "Because you're Cleon!"

"That's not a good reason!" Cleon protested.

"Yes, but I'm a zombie now and zombies kill," said Kel. She took a fireball and threw it at Cleon, causing him to blow up somehow.

"Please don't harm the rest of us! Have mercy!" the others pleaded.

"Okay," Kel agreed. "But only because I'm inexplicably tired." She curled up on the ground and fell asleep right there. Everyone else walked away.

Buri and Thayet had gone inside the palace. "Hey Thayet, whatever happened to Jon?" Buri asked.

"Does my eyeliner match my headdress?" Thayet asked.

"Did you even hear my question!" Buri demanded in frustration.

"Please hand me my mascara," Thayet ordered. Buri was starting to become irritated. "Oh, and while you're doing that, I must ask you, does my perfume smell all right?"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR LOOKS!" Buri exploded.

Thayet looked shocked at the outburst. "Bad Buriam! Bad bad bad! Now sit!"

"Woof!" Buri obediently sat.

"Good. Now go to your room!"

Buri meekly trotted off.

"AND NO DINNER FOR YOU TONIGHT!" Thayet yelled.

"Flying monkeys are swimming in my shoe," Numair announced.

* * *

Kel: We humbly apologize for the violence in this chapter and in other chapters to come. Now review, or I'll rip your lungs out and make them into a hat! 


	5. Shearing Party

Episode Five: Shearing Party

One day, in the overly random land of Tortall, Alanna the Lioness announced, "I have a new pair of garden shears and I don't know what to do with them!"

"Alanna, what's someone like you doing with a pair of shears?" George wanted to know.

"Today is Give Alanna Free Shears Day!" Alanna explained.

"Here you go, Alanna!" said a random Tortallan, handing Alanna a pair of shears. Alanna handed the shears to George. "Here, George, you can have a pair too!"

"Yay!" said George. "But what do we do with them!"

"Hmm..." thought Alanna. She looked around, and her eyes fell on Duke Gareth's prized shrubbery. "We can give those shrubs a trim!" She took her shears and started to hack at the shrubbery.

"Great idea!" and George joined her.

Duke Gareth happened to be taking a stroll outside. "Alanna, what are you doing?"

Alanna quickly hid the shears behind her back. "Nothing."

"IS THAT MY PRIZED SHRUBBERY!" Duke Gareth screamed hysterically.

"George, please take care of this man," Alanna ordered.

"Sure!" said George. Grinning evilly, he took Duke Gareth by the arm and dragged him away. Two minutes later, Jon appeared. "Alanna, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like?" Alanna asked rather sarcastically.

Jon jumped up and down. "Ooh, I know! I know!"

"Congratulations."

"You're hacking apart Duke Gareth's prized shrubbery! I want to do it too!"

"Find your own shrubbery!" snapped Alanna.

"But I don't want to! I'm king, and I can order executions to anyone who upsets me!"

"Alright, fine,"

"YIPPEE!" screamed Jon delightedly. He grabbed an extra pair of shears that someone had given Alanna, and started to trim the shrubbery very haphazardly.

Four minutes later, Thayet walked by. "Jonathan, what are you doing?"

Jonathan quickly hid the shears behind his back. "Nothing."

"Come over here this instant!" Thayet ordered.

"Why? I'm not doing anything."

"Yes you are!" she accused angrily, pointing a finger at him. "You're spending time with Alanna, but you never spend any time with me!"

"Well, today is Give Alanna Free Shears Day!" Jon explained. "I have to help her celebrate!"

"Fine!" said Thayet. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must go consult my hair stylist..." She shot a frustrated look at Jon and walked away.

Alanna and Jon continued their destruction of Duke Gareth's prized shrubbery. After nearly ten minutes of shearing away happily, Numair popped out from behind a moss-covered rock.

"Fried raccoons are good for your heart arteries!" he laughed to himself.

"Crazy mage..." Alanna muttered.

Numair, hearing the sound of her voice, looked over and saw Alanna and Jon. "Are those shears!" Alanna nodded. Numair ran over to them excitedly and grabbed a pair of shears. "I haven't held a pair of shears since my psychiatrist took all of mine away from me!" He happily clipped at Duke Gareth's shrubbery.

"Hey, I think I'll have a shearing party!" Alanna decided.  
Hearing these words, a crowd of various Tortallans came rushing over, each with their own pair of shears. "Yippee! Shearing party! Wait a moment, Jon's here!"

"Jon, you have to leave," Alanna ordered.

"I never get any fun!" whined Jon. He threw his shears on the ground and ran away in tears. He was soon replaced by George, who had just arrived.

"Sorry I'm late," said George, helping himself to a pair of shears.

"Where's Duke Gareth?" Alanna asked.

"I chopped off his ears, tied him up, and shoved him in a closet!" George replied with a grin.

"Perfect!" Alanna replied.

"Oh boy, shears!" cried Joren. He swallowed a pair of shears, choked on them, and died. "Oh well!" said Alanna cheerfully. She kicked Joren's body out of the way and resumed shearing.

Everyone was joyfully clipping the shrubbery beyond recognition, until Duke Gareth suddenly came upon them. "NOOOOO! THOSE ARE MY BEAUTIFUL SHRUBS! GET AWAY FROM THEM!"

"Hey, how'd you get here?" Alanna demanded.

"I rescued him!" announced Gary.

"You jerk," said Alanna.

"I would continue yelling at you all if it wasn't for the huge amount of blood I've lost from getting my ears cut off," Duke Gareth said. He then dropped dead.

"Woohoo! I get a promotion!" screamed Gary.

"And our party doesn't have to end!" cried Alanna.

"And I'm still the stupidest person alive!" Jon announced. Suddenly, a random Tortallan accidentally mistook Jon's neck for some shrubbery and clipped his head off. "Okay, well... now I'm the stupidest person not alive!"

* * *

Review, or you shall lose your ears to the Rogue!  
George: Heeheehee... (sharpens his knife) 


	6. Neal's Banana

Episode Six: Neal's Banana

One day, in the magically delicious land known as Tortall, Nealan of Queenscove had a few small problems. "I'm hungry," he complained.

"I'm jolly!" cried Owen.

"I'm bored," Neal complained.

"I'm jolly!" cried Owen.

"I'm tired," Neal complained.

"I'm JOLLY!" Owen cried.

"Would you stop saying that!" snapped Neal.

Owen looked slightly abashed. "Sorry." He suddenly spotted something on the ground and picked it up. "Hey, a pickle!"

"Put me down, you jolly freak!" yelled Fred the pickle. "I have a life, you know!"

"Hey, a pickle!" cried Neal. He grabbed Fred out of Owen's hand. Fred managed to wriggle out of Neal's grasp and quickly bounced away.

"How did that happen?" Owen wondered.

"I don't know. But now I don't have a pickle!" Neal began to cry distressedly.

Suddenly, Cleon appeared wearing a frilly pink tutu. "Did I hear a cry of distress!"

Neal looked at Cleon in shock. "Why are you wearing that tutu?"

Cleon blushed a deep red. "Oh, that? I've given up knighthood and have decided to become a ballerina instead!" Neal looked very disturbed instead. "Tra-la-la!" Cleon sang. And he danced away.

"I'm still hungry," Neal complained. "I'm starting to get a headache."

Numair, who had been standing right behind Neal the whole entire time, poked his head over Neal's shoulder and yelled, "HI!"

Neal stared at him in surprise and shock. "Um... hi?"

"Look! Look at me, I can do magic!" Numair announced. Neal shrugged. "So!" Suddenly, there was a loud POOF! sound coming from Numair's direction, and a banana appeared out of nowhere.

"Gasp! A banana!" Neal picked it up and was about to give it a fond hug, until he realized something. "OH MY GOSH! HORROR BEYOND ALL HORRORS! IT'S _FUZZY_!"

"Oopsies," said Numair guiltily. "Whenever I eat orange cheese, it kind of messes up my magic."

Neal further analyzed his banana. "And the fuzz is purple! That means it's probably grape flavored, which is nasty because grape tastes like allergy medicine!"

"Well... it's your problem, not mine," said Numair with a shrug of his shoulders. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go eat some orange cheese."

Neal fell to his knees and made a dramatic gesture. "Isn't there anyone out there who can help me!"

"ME!" screamed a voice. "ME ME ME!" The owner of the voice soon came into view, and Neal was both surprised and horrified to see Jon. "I shall help you with your crisis, because I'm conceited and think I know everything!"

Neal held out his fuzzy fruit. "Can you fix this banana?"

Jon stared blankly at him.

"Fix the banana!" Neal ordered.

Jon stared blankly at him. Neal slapped him hard in the face. Jon blinked several times. "Thanks, I needed that. Now, what's the crisis?"

"Fix my banana!"

"Why the heck would I do something like that!" Jon grabbed the banana and took a big bite out of it. "AAAHH! FOOD POISONING!" He dropped the banana and fell to the ground dead.

"No! It's poisoned!" Neal cried. "Now I can never eat it! This just keeps going from bad to worse!"

"Nealan, you idiot!" yelled Duke Baird's voice. "You're a healing mage for crying out loud!"

"You're right, I am!" Neal picked up the banana and healed it of its poison. "All better!" He took a bite out of the banana, and another, and another, and another, until it was gone.

"Hey Neal?" Kel asked. "Didn't Jonathan take a bite out that banana?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neal cried.

"What?"

"Since I ate the same banana that Jon took a bite out of, then that means I've caught... The Stupid!"

"The what!" Kel asked.

"The Stupid! It's a horrible disease!" Neal explained. "And it's extremely contagious! Now go from my sight right now, Bel!"

"My name's Kel!"

"That's what I said! DO AS I SAY!"

"Oh my gosh!" Kel gasped. "He really does have The Stupid!" she then ran away in fear, and kept on running and screaming until she bumped right into Alanna.

"What's the problem?" Alanna asked.

"It's Neal! He has The Stupid!"

"No! Anything but that!"

"Can you fix him?" Kel asked hopefully.

"Um... I'll try. Now where is he?" Kel brought Alanna over to Neal. Alanna studied him for a few moments, and then whacked him over the head.

"OW!" cried Neal. He collapsed and went into a coma.

"Well... uh, that's the best I could do," said Alanna rather sheepishly.

"Oh well," shrugged Kel.

"Let's go write insulting speeches for Jon's funeral!" Alanna suggested.

"Okay!" And the two of them ran off.

* * *

Fred the Pickle: Please review! Come on, I know you want to. I mean, how many chances do you get to actually have a pickle talking to you!  
Jonathan: Fred! There you are! Now I must eat you!  
Fred: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (rolls away) REVIIIIIIEEEEEW, OR JON WILL EAT MEEEEE! 


	7. Beauty Pageant

Episode Seven: Beauty Pageant

One day, in the delightfully insane land of Tortall, Thayet got an idea. "Guess what, everybody! I'm going to hold a beauty pageant!

"Yippee!" cried various female Tortallans.

"The only drawback is I win no matter what!"

"NOOOOO!" cried various female Tortallans.

"Can I compete too!" Jon asked. "I'm beautiful!"

"NO!" screeched Thayet. Jon hung his head and looked depressed. Thayet ignored him. "The beauty pageant will be tomorrow! Now I must make sure that my hair is as stunning as it can possibly be."

Thayet walked away and went into her room, where a bathtub filled with hot water awaited her. Neal, who had snuck in unseen, grabbed Thayet's shampoo bottle and disappeared.

"Now for my bath!" Thayet announced. "Buri, help me take a bath!"

"Why do you need help taking a bath!" Buri asked.

"I need to save all my energy for being beautiful!" the queen replied.

Neal, stifling a laugh, quickly put the shampoo bottle back and ran away before anyone could see him.

"Wash my hair!" Thayet demanded.

"Alright, alright!" said Buri. She grabbed the shampoo bottle and rubbed it in Thayet's hair.

"Make it look as gorgeous as possible!"

"Demanding, aren't you?" Buri said.

"Yep! That's what happens to you when you're married to Jon."

The very next day, Thayet woke up feeling very confident and pleased with herself. "Yippee! Today is the day! Buri, get my clothes!"

"Yes, Thayet," droned Buri.

"And now I will brush my perfect perfect perfect hair!" sang Thayet. She grabbed her brush and her mirror, but as soon as she saw her reflection, she gave a bloodcurdling scream.

"What's wrong!" Buri asked.

"I'm...BALD!" Thayet shrieked, tears running down her face. Buri started to laugh so hard that she nearly wet herself. "I'm ugly now!" Thayet wailed. Neal, who was watching the whole thing, gave a slight giggle and ran off.

"What's all the yelling about?" Jon asked. Thayet simply pointed to her hairless head. "Ha! Now I'm prettier than you!" Jon cried. He grabbed one of his wife's dresses and some makeup and put it all on. "Now let's have the beauty pageant!" He skipped out of Thayet's room and over to the pageant.

Lalasa was hosting the pageant, as she was the one who made all of the contestants' clothing. "Welcome everyone, to Queen Thayet's Beauty Pageant! Which in my opinion is a stupid idea."

"Hooray for stupidity!" shouted various Tortallans.

"Then does that mean you like me?" Jon asked.

"NO!" shouted various Tortallans.

"Here are the competitors," Lalasa continued. "Princess Shinkokami, Veralidaine Sarrasri, Lady Cythera of Naxen, and... hey, where's Queen Thayet!"

"Um... she can't come, I'm taking her place," Jon explained.

"Okay, and King Jonathan!"

"No!" Jon argued. "Today I'm Queen Jonathan!"

"Fine then!" said Lalasa.

Various Tortallans pointed and laughed. "Jonathan's in a dress!"

"But it's a pretty dress!" Jon insisted.

"Out of these contestants, you must decide you will win!" Lalasa told the audience.

"Hey Neal, who do you think should win?" Cleon asked.

"Daine. I placed a bet on her! And if I lose the bet, than I'm going to be completely broke!" He gazed adoringly up at Daine, who didn't look at him.

"Nobody better be checking out my wife!" Gary said.

"I think they're checking out my girlfriend instead!" said Numair, glaring at Neal. Neal was still staring fixedly at Daine's beautiful being, and he was drooling.

Daine sighed. "Why am I even competing in this thing?"

"Because I have to win my bet!" Neal yelled. "And also because you are the most gorgeous being I've ever laid eyes on!"

Suddenly, a lady's fan reached over and smacked Neal on the head. He turned around to face Yukimi. "Um... heh heh. Of course, I think you're beautiful too, Yuki."

"Our relationship is over!" Yuki cried.

Neal shrugged. "Now I'm eligible for ladies again! Woohoo!"

Lalasa got back on the stage and looked out at the audience. "Are we ready to announce a winner?"

"Meeeeee!" Jon squealed, pointing at himself excitedly. "Pick Queen Jonathan!"

"No way!" said Raoul. "You're a cross-dresser!"

Jon gave a curtsy. "Yes, but I'm a pretty cross-dresser!"

"Well," said Lalasa, "it looks as if the winner of this beauty pageant is... Lady Cythera of Naxen!"

"YEEEEEESSSSSS!" cried Gary victoriously.

Jon was in a state shock and disbelief. "I-I didn't win! _I didn't win?_ WHY DIDN'T I WIN! WHY? I demand that I win!"

"It's too late, the pageant is over!" Lalasa informed him.

Jon started to cry. "Nobody loves me!" He fell over right on the stage, dead from a broken heart. Nobody noticed, as they were all busily getting on with their pathetic lives.

"This is one crazy country," Fred the Pickle commented.

* * *

Owen: Reviews are jolly! So please review!  
Jon: Why can't I have some reviews! (sob)  
Owen: Because you're not jolly! (knocks Jon unconscious) 


	8. Weiryn Pays a Visit

Episode Eight: Weiryn Pays a Visit

One day, in the mysteriously mysterious Divine Realms, Weiryn the Immortal made a decision. "I think I will visit the mortal realm, so that I can be annoying and check up on my daughter!"

He said goodbye to the other Immortals, and transported himself to the mortal land of Tortall. Jonathan was the first person to spot him. "Egad! A scary man with antlers!" He trembled and wet himself in his fear.

"You idiot, that's my Da!" Daine cried. She did a double-take and stared at Weiryn. "What a minute! Da? What are you doing here?"

Weiryn looked confused and scratched one of his antlers. "I don't remember." Suddenly, he screamed, "AAAH! A bird!" He got out his trusty bow and arrows and shot the bird down.

Kel shook her fist at him angrily. "You freak! That was one of my prized sparrow!"

The Immortal hung his head in shame. "Oops, sorry. AAAH! A dog!" He strung his bow and shot it.

Onua came charging towards him, yelling incoherently. Weiryn covered up his nose, as Onua smelled strongly of unbathed horses. "That was my dog, Tahoi!" she screamed.

"Well sorry! I'm an Immortal and I can do what I want!" As Onua stomped away, Weiryn pointed and yelled in terror, "AAAH! A cat!" He shot it.

Alanna popped up in front of him. "That was my cat! Hey, wait a minute. Faithful's already dead!" Faithful grinned and disappeared. "Well that was strange indeed."

"That's nice," said Weiryn. "Did you know that I am absolutely terrified of birds, dogs, cats, and- AAAH! An idiot!" He picked up his bow and quickly shot Jon.

Gary pranced around in excitement. "Today is declared a national holiday!"

A crowd of various Tortallans swarmed around the antlered Immortal and made attempts at hugging him. "We love you, Weiryn! You're our hero!"

Queen Thayet appeared to be the happiest of all. She jumped for joy and joined in the celebrations. "Yes! I'm single! At long last I can finally marry my one true love."

"And who would that be?" Buri asked.

"My mirror!"

Buri sighed. "I should have known."

Thayet pulled her handy-dandy super-duper mirror out of her pocket and gave it a hug. "Come along, Mirror! Let us get married today!" She ran off.

"That was just plain scary," Weiryn commented.

"Affirmative," Daine agreed.

Suddenly, a voice called out, "WEIRYN! OH WEIRYN!" A few moments later, Nealan of Queenscove appeared before the Immortal, panting and out of breath.

"What do you want, foolish mortal?"

Neal got down on his knees in a pathetic, begging posture. "Weiryn, give me your permission to marry your daughter! I implore you!"

"Sure, whatever. If your guys really love each other." Weiryn shrugged and started to walk away. Daine tugged at his arm and started to cry. "No, Da! I don't love him! Tell him no!"

Neal grinned. "Well it's too late for that! He's already given me permission! Now come along, my dear." He took Daine by the arm and tried to drag her away.

"NOOOO!" Daine screamed. "I can't marry you! SAVE ME, DA!"

"It's your problem, not mine," her father replied. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to the Divine Realms now." He disappeared.

Neal pulled Daine along. "Come now, my precious flower. We have to go make wedding plans."

"Whatever happened to Yukimi? I thought you were going to marry her!"

"Oh, she was actually here illegally and so she got deported back to the Yamani Islands. I'm lucky that I've got you as a replacement."

Daine broke free of his grasp, fell down to the ground and began to scream, loud and long. Everyone within earshot clapped their hands over their ears.

Neal quickly put in a pair of earplugs and went over to Daine. "Whatever is the matter, dearest? Have I displeased you?"

"The stork-man hears screaming!" Numair cried. "Up, up, and away!" He attempted to fly into the air, but as he had no wings, came crashing to the ground. "Ouch."

Owen pointed and laughed. "Haha!"

"I like flying piggies!" Numair said. He got to his feet and tackled Neal. Neal fell down and burst into tears. "I think I broke my kidney!"

"Stay away from Daine!" Numair ordered. He pointed at Daine, who had stopped screaming and was now calmly sitting cross-legged on the ground.

"But we're getting married!" Neal argued.

"WHAT!" Numair cried. "Daine has betrayed me!"

Daine stood up. "No, Numair! Don't listen to him. We are _NOT_ getting married!"

Neal jumped to his feet and grabbed her. "Of course we are! Your father gave his permission and everything! And, I've already ordered our suits and dresses and a giant cake!"  
Numair took Daine out of Neal's grasp. "But Daine is mine! All mine!"

"Well if you like her so much then why don't you marry you?" Neal asked tauntingly. Numair fell silent and pondered over the question.

Daine broke free of Numair's grasp and darted up into a tree. "I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED AT ALL!" She picked some apples from the tree and hurled them at Numair and Neal. Then she leapt down onto the ground and ran away as fast as she could.

Neal sped after her in distress. "No, Daine my love! Come back! I'll change your mind!"

Numair stared at the ground. "I have an imaginary friend. He works in a paper factory. Now if you don't mind, my friends, I really must go, for nature calls." He walked away.

* * *

Peachblossom: (bites Neal)  
Neal: Ow!  
Peachblossom: Please review everyone! (bares teeth) 


	9. Fan Clubs

Episode Nine: Fan Clubs

One day, in the rather odd land that was Tortall, Jonathan had an important announcement to make. "Guess what, everyone! I've got a fan club!"

Various Tortallans began to laugh behind their hands. The idea of their king having an actual fan club was one of the most ridiculous they had ever heard.

"Well then who's in your fan club?" Alanna asked mockingly.

Jonathan looked embarrassed. "Well... nobody!"

Alanna sighed. "Why am I not surprised?"

A few Tortallans started to laugh out loud. "Ha! We knew it!"

"What an idiot," Alanna muttered.

"What did you just call me?" Jon demanded.

"Nothing! Nothing at all. It was only in your imagination."

"Okay. Wow, my imagination insults me," Jon said with awe. Alanna stifled a laugh.

Suddenly, Cleon came dancing along wearing his frilly pink tutu. "Jon, you're a moron. And I like apple fritters!"

Jon was confused. "Huh?"

"Does this tutu make me look fat?" Cleon asked self-consciously.

Kel laughed. "You look fat no matter what you wear!" Cleon started to cry. Once he was finished, he took a Slimfast bar out of his pocket and nibbled on it.

"Hey people!" Jon announced. "I've just started a new trend! Fan clubs!"

Cleon finished eating his Slimfast bar, threw away the wrapper, and then drank down a low-carb Slimfast shake. "Ooh, I want a fan club!"

A group of various ballerinas danced by. "We will join your fan club!"

"Yippee!" Cleon fluffed out his tutu and danced around with the ballerinas.

"I think Cleon might be gay," Neal observed.

As he danced, Cleon plucked flowers and tossed them into the air. "Teeheehee!" Neal shook his head in amazement. "I guess he must be."

Suddenly, a shadow was cast over everything as none other than duke Roger appeared in everyone's midst. "I've somehow managed to acquire a fan club!"

Alanna gasped in shock. "It's a miracle!"

"Well how many member do you have?" Jon asked.

"One!" Roger answered. "My slave, Alex!"

Alex got down on hands and knees and bowed to Roger. "Roger is the greatest... Roger is the greatest... Roger is the greatest... Roger is the greatest..."

"How could anyone possibly be devoted to Roger?" Alanna wondered.

"I bribe him with cookies," Roger answered.

Suddenly, Alex perked up. "Cookies! WHO MENTIONED COOKIES?"

"Here." Roger took a cookie out of his pocket and tossed it several feet. Alex immediately darted after it as fast as he could. "Cookiiiiiieeeee!"

"That's interesting," Alanna said. "And all this time, I could have said 'Hey Alex, I'll give you a cookie if you let me beat you at fencing'. If only I had known."

Alex happily gnawed on his cookie. "Yum..."

Jon was as miserable as Alex was happy. "No way! Roger's an evil jerk and even _he_ has fans!" He threw himself off of Balor's Needle.

"No sad loss there," said Thayet.

For no reason at all, Numair happened to be riding on a unicycle. "Peas are green! Haha!"

Alanna looked disturbed. "Yes, Numair. That is quite obvious."

"Pickles are green too! Green is a tasty color."

"Hey, I'm a pickle!" Fred the pickle announced.

Suddenly, a swarm of various Tortallans crowded around and shouted, "FRED, WE WISH TO JOIN YOUR FAN CLUB!"

"SO DO WE!" shouted various other non-Tortallans. "WE LOVE YOU, FRED!"

"Wow!" said Fred happily. "My fan club has 237,836,904,673,112,786,360,000 members! I'm the luckiest pickle in the universe!"

"I want a fan club!" Numair whined. "Hmm... The Frizzy Sparkly Grammatical Erroring Zebras can join my fan club!"

"Numair, I hate to break it to you, but they don't even exist," Daine told him. "They're only figments of your imagination."

"They are! NOOOOOOOOO!" Numair fainted from shock.

* * *

Cleon: (twirls) Please review! (pirouettes) 


	10. In Which Jonathan Wears a Bra

Episode Ten: In Which Jonathan Wears a Bra

One day, in the jollily jolly land of much jolliness called Tortall, Owen the Incredibly Jolly was having a very jolly time. "Today is a jolly day!"

Lord Wyldon scowled. "Jolly is not in my vocabulary."

"Gasp!" gasped Owen. He fainted from shock.

"Good riddance," Wyldon muttered. Two seconds later, Owen revived and happily sprang to his feet. Wyldon groaned.

"Come on, Stump, don't you want to be jolly?" Owen cried.

"DON'T CALL ME THE STUMP! RARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" Wyldon became furious and took his anger out on an unsuspecting rock that lay on the ground. The rock died.

"How in the world was it possible for a rock to die?" Owen wondered.

Wyldon shrugged. "I don't know, but go away."

Suddenly, Jon ran by for no reason. "Guess what? I'm wearing a bra!"

A very angry Thayet ran after him. "Jonathan, you haven't been stealing my clothes again, have you? Give it back right now!"

"Uh-oh!" Jon quickly hid underneath a bridge. Thayet went back to her room.

The bridge that Jon was hiding under happened to be inhabited by a vicious, man-eating troll. The troll growled and said, "I spy with my ugly eye... an idiot!"

"Ooh, ooh! Where?" cried Jon. "I want to see him!" The troll handed him a mirror and he looked into it. "Hmm... that idiot looks kind of familiar..." The troll rolled his eyes and smacked himself in the forehead. "Mirror is shiny..." Jon murmured.

"Yes, enough about the mirror," the troll said irritably. "Sit still so I can eat you."

"EEEEK! I WANT MY MOMMY!" Jon let go of the mirror and ran out from other the bridge as fast as he could. The troll was not disappointed however, and he spotted Joren and ate him. "Yum..."

"That was not very jolly," Owen commented.

"Owen, you're giving me a headache," Wyldon whined.

Jon had stopped running away from the troll and was now standing outside doing nothing. "This bra is a bit too tight."

"Then don't wear it," said Wyldon.

"But I love it!"

Suddenly, Lalasa appeared and handed something to Jon. "Here then, I'll give you a custom made one." Jon eagerly took off his old bra and put on the new one. "This one's comfy!"

Alanna was very bothered by what was going on around her. "Jon, are you aware of the fact that you're wearing something that men really shouldn't wear?"

"Well I'm king! And I say that it's okay!"

"Are bras jolly?' Owen asked.

"I guess," Jon said uncertainly.

"Goody! I want one!" Owen stole one of Kel's bras and put it on. "This is quite jolly!"

Cleon appeared in his frilly pink tutu. "Ooh, I want one that will match my tutu!" Daine appeared and handed him a frilly pink bra. "Here, take this. Numair bought it for and I've never worn it! It's so ugly!

Cleon giggled. "I think it's pretty.

"Daine, no!" Numair objected. "I gave you that bra for your birthday! Why!"

"Because it's bright pink and bright pink hurts my eyes," said Daine, quickly thinking up an excuse. "And all those frills are really scratchy."

"Thanks, Daine!" said Cleon happily. He danced away with his ballerina fan club.

"Hey Fred, you're missing out on the new fashion!" Jon said.

"No thanks," said Fred the pickle. "I'm one hundred percent manly."

"Suit yourself," said Jon. "Hey, wait a minute! Fred, how can we be sure that you are male? You're a pickle, and pickles don't have genders!"

"Well I do," Fred replied.

Suddenly, the troll that lived under the bridge came from under his bridge and rampaged around. "Okay, I am extremely hungry!"

Fred winked and gestured at Jon. The troll eagerly grabbed Jon and ate him, bra and all.

Roger was horribly pleased. "Yes! He has at last perished!" he smacked Alex. "Alex, I demand you to be my personal cheerleader.

Alex bowed. "Yes, my master." He put on a cheerleader outfit and started jumping and dancing around. "Give me an R! Give me an O! Give me a G! Give me an E! Give me an-"

"Farewell, cheerleader scum!" said George. He has his amazing thief powers to zap Alex.

Roger was outraged. "He never got to complete his cheer! He only spelled my name out as Roge! _My name isn't Roge!_"

"Take a chill pill," said Fred the pickle.

* * *

Numair: Flying monkeys are swimming in my shoe! Review please! 


	11. Return of Liam

Episode Eleven: Return of Liam

One day, in the highly destructive land of Tortall, a very unlikely visitor appeared. "Hello everyone!" said Liam the Shang Dragon happily. "I've managed to come back to life!"

"Hello!" said Numair. "I am Numair and I am a mage!"

Liam screamed like a four-year-old girl. "EEK! A MAGE!" He backed up a few paces. "GET IT AWAY!"

Numair was confused by Liam's strange behavior. "Do I have a disease or something?" He quickly gave himself a medical shot in the buttocks. "Ouch. That hurt."

Liam was trembling with fear. "Just stay away from me!"

Numair used his magic to create a small green fire. "Look at the pretty fire! It's green, the delicious color of pickles!"

"Are you making fun of me?" said Fred the pickle indignantly.

Liam stared at the green fire with eyes widened with utmost fear. "AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH! M-M-MAGIC FIRE!" he fell over and had a minor heart attack.

"Heart attack alert! Heart attack alert!" yelled Numair. "We need a healing mage over here!"

Duke Baird was currently in a lazy mood and had no desire to go heal anyone. "Er... I'm busy today! Yes, horribly busy! Neal, you take over for today!"

"Why me!" cried Neal.

"Just do it, son, or I'll never ever allow you to lay eyes on another female ever again!"

"Okay!" said Neal hastily, giving in to his father's threat. Duke Baird then skipped off singing to himself, and Neal went over to Liam. He used his magic to heal Liam's heart attack, and Liam immediately sat up. "Eek! You healed with... with..." he brought his voice to a whisper, "...the m word!" he shuddered.

"You mean magic?" said Neal.

"No! Do not speak of it!" He curled into a frightened ball and refused to look at Neal. Neal shrugged and went away.

Ten minutes later, Liam got to his feet just as Alanna was walking by. She froze in her tracks and gasped. "Liam! What are you doing here?"

Liam made a stupid pose. "I came back from the dead."

"How?"

"I really have no idea. Will you marry me?"

"I'm already to married!"

"Well then I challenge your husband to a duel for your hand!"

Alanna backed away from him. "No way! Besides, my husband George is a baron now! He doesn't partake in roguish street fighting!"

"I didn't say it would be a brawl! I said it would be a duel!" Liam got down on his knees and tried to look pathetic. "Please?"

Suddenly, the uncomfortable event taking place was interrupted, as Numair popped up out of nowhere and shouted, "BOO!"

"Eek!" Liam curled into a ball and started to whimper. He suddenly remembered that Alanna was there, and he stood up and tried to appear heroic. He only succeeded in looking as if something awkward were in his pants.

"I like to go scuba diving under that floorboards," Numair said for no reason.

Liam fidgeted uncomfortably. "That's... er, nice."

"Want to see something funny?"

"No, not really."

Numair struck a dramatic pose. "Well I'll do it anyway! I am going create something that will banish your fear of magic!" Liam did not reply. Numair waved his hands around in the air and created an abundance of black light. There was a sudden POOF! and a Hungry Monster Rat appeared.

Liam screamed like an elderly woman whose dentures had broken. "Wh-what is that thing!"

Numair shrugged and scratched his head. "Um, that's not really what I meant to do. I guess I'm losing my magic touch."

The Hungry Monster Rat growled viciously. "I wish to eat Liams!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Liam, quickly dug a hole in the ground and stuck his head inside it like an ostrich. Even though no real live ostrich had ever been caught doing that.

Various Tortallans screamed and ran in circles. "Help! There is a hideous creature loose on the city!"

"Do I hear a plea for help?" said Jon. "This looks like a job for... Jonathan the Mighty!" He ripped off his clothes, revealing fluorescent pink spandex long-johns underneath.

"NO!" growled the Hungry Monster Rat. "It is Jonathan the Mentally Impaired! Must run away before indigestion strikes!" He then took off running and disappeared to a kingdom far far away.

Various Tortallans celebrated in the streets. "We are freed from the hideous creature!"

Jon struck a conceited pose. "Ahem!"

"You never did anything, Jon!"

"Yes I did! And now you all have to throw a party in my honor!"

"Alright, we will," said the various Tortallans. "We'll throw a magnificent party, but it won't be for you!" Jon burst into tears.

Suddenly, a Demonic Flying Jackrabbit appeared. "Tears are for the weak! Take this, foolish human!" It grabbed Jon and quickly devoured him.

"That was incredibly disturbing," gasped various Tortallans. "Now who will be our king?"

The Hungry Monster Rat, who had returned from the kingdom far far away, raised one of its sharply-clawed paws. "Me! Pick me!"

"Okay!"

The Hungry Monster Rat constructed a crown made of human bones and placed it upon his head. "But who is my queen?"

"She is," said Gary, pointing at Thayet.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" Thayet squealed. "I'm married to a rat?" She withered away and died.

Suddenly, Daine popped up and gave the King Hungry Monster Rat a hug. "I love and adore all animals! I'll marry you, Hungry Monster Rat!"

"I'm loved!" cried the Hungry Monster Rat.

"Daine! How could you?" Numair and Neal cried at the same time. Fred the pickle bonked them both on the head. "Am I the only sane being in this whole crazy universe?" He heaved a sigh.

* * *

Hungry Monster Rat: (bares fangs) Please review! (gnaws on some guy's arm)  
Random Guy: OW! (This could happen to YOU if you don't review!) (just kidding) 


	12. Crossdressing

Episode Twelve: Cross-dressing

One day, in the mentally challenged land of Tortall, Wyldon got a crazy idea into his bald, shiny head. "I've decided that I don't want to be the training master anymore!"

"HOORAY!" shouted various pages, squires, and knights. "We're free!"

"Instead," said Wyldon, "I've decided to open up a school for cross-dressers!" Various people stared at him in shock. What a ridiculous thing to do.

"I already am a cross-dresser!" Cleon announced. He made a curtsy with his pink ballerina tutu.

"Who in their right mind would want to learn to be a cross-dresser?" Fred the pickle asked in disgust.

Jonathan waved his arms around in the air excitedly. "I DO! I DO! I DO!" he jumped up and down. "I absolutely love and adore cross-dressing!"

"Um... okay," agreed Wyldon. "Just no more beauty pageants for you."

"Aw! But I was so pretty in the beauty pageant!"

"Um, yeah... I'm sure you were..." Wyldon turned around to have major fake coughing fit. Someone suddenly tapped him on the shoulder. "Huh? What?" He turned around to find Alanna facing him.

"Hey, Wyldon!" said Alanna. "I can help you with your school! I know all about being a cross-dresser!"

"Okay," Wyldon agreed.

"Is class starting yet?" Jon asked. A carrot suddenly flew out of nowhere and hit him. "Hey! What the heck was that?"

"Beats me," said Alanna with a shrug.

"Lalala!" Cleon sang. He attempted to do a cartwheel and fell down. "Ow. I need some green beans." He got up and danced away.

A carrot came flying through the air and hit Jon. "What was that?" he demanded.

"Shut up and sit down," said Wyldon. "It's time for your classes." Jon found a seat and sat down, waiting in eager anticipation.

"But there is only one student," said Alanna.

"WHO WANTS TO BE A CROSS-DRESSER!" Wyldon roared.

"ME ME ME! I do!" squealed Thom, who happened to be alive for some strange and unknown reason.

Alanna shuddered. "Oh no! Not my brother!" One of her eyes began twitching.

"I run around in shirts and breeches all the time," Daine announced. "Does that make me already a cross-dresser?"

"I don't know," said Wyldon. "I don't care either. Now go away." Daine scampered away.

"Dresses are shiny!" Numair yelled for no reason.

"Then learn how to wear one!" Alanna suggested.

"OKAY!"

Thom and Numair eagerly sat down in their seats. Alanna and Wyldon stood in front of their three students, and Wyldon rang a bell. "Okay, classes have now begun."

Alanna paced in front of the students. "Lesson One: You must wear the clothing of the opposite gender. That is what being a cross-dresser is all about. Lalasa, bring out the dresses!"

Lalasa, who also happened to be there, disappeared and then returned carrying an armful of dresses. She spread them all out on some empty desks.

"Ooh... pretty..." Numair grabbed one of the dresses and attempted to eat it. Alanna smacked him. "Bad Numair, bad!"

"I GET TO TRY ONE ON FIRST!" Jon yelled. A carrot appeared out of nowhere and hit him. "What with all the carrot throwing?"

"Just shut your trap and put on a dress," said Wyldon.

"Okay. I'll do that gladly!" Jon took off his clothes and put on a hot pink dress that had an extremely low neckline and was rather tight in the buttocks area. "I feel drop dead sexy!"

Thom stroked his dress. "You sure so!" He went over to the collection of dresses. "Can I go next?"

"Uh, sure," said Alanna a bit hesitantly.

Thom put on a purple dress. "It brings out the color of my eyes! Teeheehee!" he started to prance around the room, proudly swishing the long skirt of his dress.

Numair grabbed a dress and put it on backwards. "I feel funny."

"Numair, you're wearing it wrong," Wyldon remarked.

"Well I think it's pretty! So ha!"

"Uh... if you say so," said Alanna. "Well now it's time for you to learn your next lesson. Lesson Two: You must learn to walk like the opposite gender."

"Like this?" said Numair. He began walking in a feminine manner, and suddenly tripped and fell. "Ouchies!"

"Let me try," said Jon. "I'm the king, and so everything I do is perfect." He started to walk, moving his hips and sashaying his bottom back and forth, which was really quite scary looking. "Ta-da!" He was suddenly hit with a carrot. "Hey!"

Thom started skipping and singing in an extremely high-pitched voice.

"Um... good job, Thom," said Wyldon. "But you don't have to skip. Only five year olds do that."

"But skipping makes me feel all happy inside!"

Jon opened his mouth to speak. "Is the next lesson-" He was hit with a flying carrot. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!"

Numair picked up the carrot. "Goody gargoyles! I have a new friend!"

"You know what?" said Jon. "I just now realized that I'm allergic to carrots."

"That's nice," said Alanna with a yawn.

"And now I have a contagious rash!" Jon began scratching himself uncontrollably.

"Did you say _contagious_ rash?" squeaked Wyldon.

"Yep."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Wyldon, Alanna, Numair, and Thom all began scratching themselves uncontrollably all over their bodies.

Alanna busily scratched under her shirt. "Um... you have all graduated from cross-dressing school. Go away now."

"YIPPEE! I GET TO WEAR BEAUTIFUL DRESSES!" Jon shouted excitedly.

"Oh great, is he going to be "Queen Jonathan" again?" Thayet moaned.

"Most likely," answered Alanna. "Would you like to be king Thayet?"

"The world has gone insane," Thayet said with fear. She ran away and went into solitary confinement so that she could not be touched by the insanity.

Numair took his dress and ate it. "Yum."

* * *

Kel's Sparrows: Review review review! Or face our pecking wrath! (they sharpen their beaks)  
Jon: Attack of the sparrows! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! 


	13. George's Many Hobbies

Episode Thirteen: George's Many Hobbies

One day, in the fun and educational land known as Tortall, George was walking through the streets asking random people an important question. "Would anybody like to donate their ears?"

"What for?" asked Various Tortallans.

"Hehehe..." George grinned and polished his knife.

"Eek!" cried various Tortallans. They clapped their hands over their ears protectively.

George sobbed and wiped away a few tears. "No! My ear collection is a failure, for nobody wishes to donate their ears!" He thought for a few minutes. "Aha! Perhaps I will... collect butterflies instead!" He giggled. "Butterflies are pretty!"

"I don't know him, I swear!" said Alanna in embarrassment.

George ran around in the grass waving a net around. "Pretty butterflies!" He managed to catch one in the net. "Yippee! My mommy will be so proud of me!"

"I don't know him, I swear!" said Eleni Cooper. "We are not related!"

"I don't think my mother is very proud of me," said George. "That makes me feel rather sad inside."

Jon suddenly came walking by and strode over to George. "George Cooper, I demand that you capture butterflies for me!"

"No. I don't feel like it."

"BUT I'M THE KING! YOU MUST!" As he walked along, Jon suddenly tripped over a lemon. "Ooh..." he picked it up and it squirted in his eye. "AAAAGGGHH!"

"Haha!" laughed various Tortallans.

"That hurt," said Jon. "Lemons are now my bitter enemy for all eternity."

"I wish I was a bird, so I could fly!" Owen announced for no reason.

Suddenly, a boy who looked quite a bit like a girl came flying out of nowhere and extended his hand towards Owen. "Come away with me to Neverland! You don't have to grow up!"

"Peter Pan?" said George, confused.

"Yippee!" cried Owen. "It's a boy, and he's come to teach us to fly!" He grabbed Peter Pan's outstretched hand and the two of them flew away.

"Okay, now that was just plain weird," George commented.

Meanwhile, Alex, also known as the slave of Roger, was busy engaging in acts of evil. In Alex's case, that meant stealing cookies from Master Oakbridge.

"I am a bridge made of oak!" mumbled Master Oakbridge. He promptly fell asleep.

Alex happily stroked the cookies that he had stolen. Cookies were nice and soft and fluffy and he dearly loved to stroke them. Cookies were the only joy in his pathetic life.

"Alex!" called Roger. "Alex, where di you go?"

"Eek!" Alex tried to hide, but Roger caught sight of him. "There you are!" He put his slave on a leash. "Now bow! Bow before your master!"

Alex got down on his and bowed. "I love Roger... Roger is the best... Roger shall rule the world... Women find Roger irresistibly sexy..."

Roger laughed. "That is so true." He then tripped and fell flat on his face for telling a blatant lie. He irritably got to his feet, grabbed Alex's leash, and tied him to a tree. "Now stay there until I've finished with my evil plans!"

Alex whimpered and tried to get free.

Roger paced back and forth talking to himself. "Now I shall build a dark and terrible fortress to do my evil plotting in!" He ran off.

Alex suddenly remembered his cookies and spent the rest of his time gazing adoringly at them.

Now back to George. While Roger plotted and Alex obsessed over cookies, George was busily catching more butterflies. One flew into his net. "Pretty!"

The butterfly suddenly turned into Daine. "Hey, let me out of this net!"

"Too bad," said George. "You shouldn't have turned into a butterfly." He went into the museum and hung Daine up on the wall in the butterfly section.

"This is very uncomfortable," said Daine.

"Well you're part of my butterfly collection, so learn to deal with it."

"But I'm not even a butterfly anymore!"

"Oh well!"

While George went off to find more butterflies and Daine hung in discomfort, Roger had completed his evil task. "Mwahaha! My dark and scary fortress is complete! Now for Evil Plan Number One!" He dropped a hippo on top of Jon, and Jon was crushed.

"We love you, Roger!" cried various Tortallans.

"Good. Now be my slaves for all eternity."

"NOOOOOOOO! We changed our minds. We don't love you anymore!"

"Oh come on!" Roger pleaded. "If you be my slaves, I'll give you cookies!"

Alex's head perked up excitedly and he started to drool with longing and hunger. "COOKIES! SOMEBODY MENTIONED COOKIES!"

"Be quiet! They're not for you!" yelled Roger.

Suddenly, Cleon the ballerina blasted gas right in front of Roger. "AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Roger fell dead from the smell.

"Eew!" squealed Cleon's ballerina fan club. "We're not your fan club anymore, Mr. Flatulence!"

Cleon fell to his knees in begging posture. "Nooooooo! Don't leave meeeeeee!"

Numair suddenly walked past the museum in which Daine was held captive. He gasped. "That museum! It is highly offensive towards the Frizzy Sparkling Grammatical Erroring Zebras!" He used his magic to blow up the museum.

"I'm free!" Daine cried.

"Noooo!" George moaned. "I have failed at being an expert butterfly catcher! Well, I guess I'll have to be a thief again!" He stole his mother's teeth as his first act of thievery.

"Hey!" cried his mother Eleni. "I need my dentures!"

George started to laugh hysterically. "Hahaha! My mother wears dentures!"

Cleon's ballerina fan club who wasn't his fan club anyway pranced over to George. "Hey, George! We'll gladly be your Thieving Fan Club!"

"Okay!"

"Well, my ballerina days are over," sighed Cleon. "I have decided to become a treehugger. SAVE THE FOREST!" He ran off to live in the Royal Forest.


	14. Fangirls

Episode Fourteen: Fangirls

One day, in the preservative free, low carb land of Tortall, various confusing things were happening. Alex happened to be wearing a slave collar for some reason. "Ahh... This thing is so heavy... Can't walk..."

"Oh shuddup!" yelled Duke Gareth. He threw a cookie cutter at Alex.

"Ow!" cried Alex. He picked up the cookie cutter and looked at it. "Hey, this thing still has some old cookie dough stuck in it!" He happily licked the cookie cutter.

"Alex, you little psychopath!" yelled Roger. He shrugged. "Oh well. Now for my evil act of the day!" he used his magic to open up a gigantic hole in the air. "Mwahaha!"

"Um... and what was the point of that?" asked various Tortallans.

Roger shrugged his shoulders. "I really have no idea! I was acting on sudden, unexplainable impulse without giving it a single bit of thought!"

Roger's act of evil proved to actually turn out very evil indeed. Suddenly, a herd of fangirls climbed in through the hole in the air!

"AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" screamed Roger. "What have I done?"

The fangirls squealed and snapped photos.

"Hmm..." Roger thought to himself, "...maybe I can use their utter evilness and annoyingness to help destroy the world!"

Hearing the sound of his voice, several of the fangirls turned and stared at Roger. "Gasp! It's him!" They squealed and charged at Roger. Roger ran for his life. "Noooo! Leave me be!"

"No, don't run away, you sexy dude!" shrieked the Roger Fangirls.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP!" screamed Roger. "ALEX, HELP ME!"

Several Alex Fangirls approached Alex. "Hello, Alexander! Come along with us!" They each held out cookies enticingly.

"COOKIES!" In order to have his precious cookies, Alex allowed the fangirls to drag him away.

"Noooooooooooo! I've been betrayed!" Roger screamed.

"We would never betray you, Roger!" crooned the Roger Fangirls, fluttering their badly mascara-ed eyelashes.

"GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE!" Roger broke free of the fangirls and ran as fast as he could.

"Hey, why can't I have girls chasing me around?" Jon complained.

Suddenly, an extremely ugly and extremely strange looking girl appeared. She had a unibrow, bulging muscles, and very, very, very hairy legs. Yes, an actual Jon fangirl, the only one in the entire universe.

The Jon Fangirl let out a high-pitched scream. "Oh Jonathan, I love you!"

"EEEEK!" Jon turned around and ran.

"Don't leave me, oh pearl of my heart!" his fangirl cried.

"Hey, 'pearl of my heart' is _my_ slogan!" yelled Cleon. He bent down and planted a tree. "Replenish the forest! Plant a tree today!"

The Jon Fangirl suddenly tripped and fell, causing her hair to fall out. It turned out that her hair was actually only a wig.

Jon screamed like he had never screamed before. "Y-y-you're a fan_boy_!" The Jon Fanboy giggled. Jon curled up in a frightened ball. "I want my mommy!"

Queen Lianne's ghost suddenly appeared. "What do you want?"

"There is a scary man posing as a girl chasing after me! I'm scared!"

"Then I'll get rid of him." Queen Lianne's ghost used her ghostly powers to turn the Jon Fanboy into a Hungry Monster Rat. The Hungry Monster Rat looked at Jon and sharpened its teeth.

"Sic 'em, boy!" said Queen Lianne's ghost.

"Aye aye, ma'am!" growled the Hungry Monster Rat. He pounced on Jon and ate him. The ghost of Queen Lianne disappeared.

Meanwhile, Roger was hiding underneath a turtle shell that he ripped off of some poor turtle's back, hoping that his fangirls would not find him.

"No respect for wildlife these days..." muttered the turtle whose shell had been stolen.

While Roger was busy hiding, Cleon was busy running around watering various trees. Suddenly, a group of Cleon Fangirls popped up. "HI CLEON!"

"Eek!" Cleon was startled that he dropped his watering can and it landed on his foot. "Ouchies!"

"We're treehuggers too!" squealed the Cleon Fangirls.

"Really? Hooray!" And Cleon and his fangirls skipped off into the forest together.

The Cleon Fangirls may have been happy, but the Roger Fangirls were not. They were frantically running around, searching for their beloved. "Has anyone seen Roger?"

"No," said various Tortallans.

"Where the heck is Roger! ROGER, COME BACK TO US!"

"He's right over there," said the turtle whose shell had been stolen. He pointed at his stolen shell, which had Roger fearfully crouching beneath it.

The fangirls immediately ran over and grabbed Roger. "THERE YOU ARE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Roger screamed.

"You're so cute when you scream!" A couple of the fangirls swooned.

"Somebody end my misery!" Roger cried. "Hey, Alanna!"

"What?" said Alanna.

"Help me!"

"Are you kidding? Why would I help you?" Roger looked so pathetic and pleading however, that Alanna sighed and said, "Okay, fine. What do you want me to do?"

"Please kill me."

"I'll do that gladly!" Alanna whistled and a gigantic spidren came and carried Roger away. His fangirls began to cry loudly. "WHY DID HE GO! _WHY_!"

"Oh, shut up!" said Alanna. She managed to capture every single fangirl that had been let into Tortall, put them in a box, and sent it to the Divine Realms.

The Divine Realms, Weiryn managed to stumble across the box. "Hmm... What's this?" He opened up the box and all the fangirls jumped out. "HIYA THERE!" They let out annoying high-pitched giggles.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! THE HORROR!" Weiryn screamed.

"Hooray!" shouted various Tortallans with glee. "We are rid of the horrible fangirls!"

"And we're rid of both Jon and Roger!" cried Fred the pickle happily.

"We love you, Alanna!" the various Tortallans cried.

Alanna bowed and smiled. "Good. Because now I'm going to rule Tortall and I don't think I could bear to have subjects who hate me."

"Ahem!" said Thayet. "I happen to still be alive, and therefore _I_ get to rule Tortall!"

"I don't think so." Alanna solved the problem by marrying Thayet off to some freaky Carthaki guy who was probably related to Ozorne. "There! Now I'm the ruler!"

"Hooray!" yelled various Tortallans.

"Hooray!" yelled the random turtle whose shell was stolen. He was happily reunited with his lost shell and eagerly crawled back inside it. He sniffed around. "Hey, my shell smells like Roger! Oh well!"

* * *

Review! Or the fangirls shall attack you and their annoying squealing will break your eardrums! (Ha, no not really) 


	15. Chickens

Episode Fifteen: Chickens

One day, in the giant health hazard that also happened to be Tortall, Numair was running around making clucking sounds. "Cluck cluck!"

Daine suddenly turned into a chicken and started pecking and scratching at the dirt.

"CLUCK!" Numair screamed. He picked up a worm and ate it.

"What in the world is the matter with you people?" cried Duke Gareth.

"Daddy!" Numair ran up to Duke Gareth and gave him an affectionate hug. Duke Gareth pushed him away. "What the heck! I'm not your father!"

"Of course you aren't! He is!" Numair pointed at Daine, who clucked and continued to scratch around in the dirt.

"I've had enough of this nonsense!" Duke Gareth ran off and jumped into a puddle of quicksand.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Gary in distress. "I'll save you, father!" He dived into the quick sand and both he and Duke Gareth sank.

"Cluck!" clucked Daine. She laid an egg. A few moments later, the egg hatched and a possum crawled out. "Oh goody!" cried Jon. He grabbed the possum and roasted it on a spit.

"That's just plain sic," commented Fred the pickle.

"No, it's delicious!" Jon took a bite out of the possum. "Yum."

"Possums have rabies, you know," said Alanna.

"You're right." Jon suddenly dropped dead.

Myles suddenly came running by clutching a beer bottle in each hand. "Beware! It's the molten lava!" He staggered around and passed out.

"Sure there is," said various Tortallans, refusing to believe the court drunk. Suddenly, a giant flow of lava came flooding along everywhere. "AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" everyone ran and hid.

"Behold!" said Neal. "I have invented... lava boots!" He put on the lava boots and was able to walk in the lava unharmed.

"Hooray!" Everybody else put on lava boots.

"Cluck!" Daine the chicken was unable to wear boots and so she jumped on top of Numair's head. Numair bent down and tried to eat some lava. "OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW! IT BURNS!"

"Lava boots are wonderfully jolly!" said Owen.

"Guess what?" said Neal. "I never got a patent for my lava boot invention." With a loud poofing noise, all of the lava boots disappeared. Everyone started to cry.

Joren then bent down and drank up all of the lava. "Yum..." He fell over. "Aaaagggghhhh! It's caused heartburn!" He closed his eyes and died.

"Joren my love, don't leave me!" squealed Kel, who happened to be under the influence of Myles' beer. Owen threw a horseshoe at her head. "Thanks, I needed that," said Kel. "Yippee, Joren is dead!"

Cleon pranced around scattering leaves and saplings everywhere. "Happy Treehugger's Day!"

A random beaver sharpened its teeth and began gnawing on a tree. "NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Cleon angrily. "DIE, YOU FIEND! SAVE THE FOREST!" He took a hair clip and stabbed the beaver with it.

"Someone stole my Yamani hair clip," Yuki remarked.

Cleon blushed. "Sorry about that."

"Actually, that hair clip is really a wasp in disguise."

The wasp flew out of Cleon's grasp and stung him on the buttocks. "Ow!"

"CLUCK!" Daine the chicken jumped off of Numair's head and flew to the sun. "Chickens can't fly," Neal commented.

"Well she can," said Numair.

"That's not fair, I want to fly!" Neal climbed on top of a roof and then jumped off of it. "OW! I NEED A DOCTOR!" Duke Baird picked Neal, threw him in a hole, and sat down and cried. "My poor, perished son!"

"Hey, you fool!" Neal yelled. "I'm still alive! What kind of horrible father are you!"

"You're not my son. He's my son." Duke Baird pointed at the dead body of the beaver that Cleon had stabbed.

"PROTECT THE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Cleon screamed. He sprayed a tree with sun block. TIMBER!" yelled the tree. It fell down and landed on Cleon, thus squeezing all of the fat out of him.

"Hey, Cleon's sexy now!" squealed some random treehugger girls. They helped Cleon out from under the tree and dragged him into the forest.

"HEY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF THIS HOLE!" Neal screamed at the top of his lungs. Everyone ignored him and walked away. Neal remained in the hole until the end of time.


	16. A Bunch of Pointlessness

Episode Sixteen: A Bunch of Pointlessness

One day, in the seemingly plotless land of Tortall, Alex felt rather strange. "I feel like a cookie." He ate a cookie and then turned into one.

"Gasp!" gasped Roger. "Now I don't have a slave anymore!" Alex the cookie rolled away without a word. Roger shrugged. "Oh well." He then ate one of his shirt sleeves, because it tasted good.

"That's just stupid!" said Duke Gareth. He lost a tooth. "Ow!"

Owen pointed and laughed. "Haha!" Suddenly, a flock of pigeons came walking by. "COO! COO COOOOOO!" Owen jumped around with delight. "I like filthy birdies!" He ran off with the pigeons, got adopted into their family, and completely forgot his human ways.

Wyldon sobbed. "No! Owen, why did you have to go!" George crept by and stole Wyldon's first aid kit. "Now I must apply first aid to the hideous wounds that I have..." Wyldon muttered. "Hey! Where'd my first aid kit go!"

"Don't get mad, get glad!" yelled Numair.

"That's just stupid!" said Duke Gareth. He lost a tooth. "Ouchies!"

Suddenly, Gary let out a hysterical, bloodcurdling scream. "What's wrong, son?" Duke Gareth asked. In reply, Gary let out another hysterical, bloodcurdling scream.

"Why haven't I appeared yet?" Jonathan complained. "I demand to make an appearance!"

"Quit whining, you fool," said Fred the pickle.

"I'm not a fool, I'm perfect!" Jon then fall over and landed on his buttocks. "OW!"

Master Oakbridge suddenly came up with a brilliant idea. "I think I will make a smoothie!" He gathered up the needed ingredients. George crept by and stole the ingredients.

Master Oakbridge screamed a scream of terror. "Whatever happened to my ingredients! Oh well!" He picked up Jon and threw him in a giant blender instead. Five minutes later, Jon was turned into a smoothie. "Eew, I'm not drinking that," said Master Oakbridge. "Here Roger, do you want it?"

"What is it?" asked Roger.

"If you drink it, it will give you world domination!"

"Oh boy!" Roger eagerly grabbed the smoothie and chugged it all down in a single gulp. "Bleh! It tastes like stupidity!" The utter stupidity of the smoothie ended up poisoning his veins, and he died.

"That's just stupid!" said Duke Gareth. He lost a tooth. "Darn it!"

Suddenly, for no reason at all, it started raining pocket watches. One of the pocket watches fell down on Wyldon's head, and he fainted. It is a proven fact that pocket watches hate bald people.

Suddenly, Gary let out a hysterical, bloodcurdling scream.

Alex the cookie rolled by and was suddenly crushed by one of the pocket watches. A flock of birds came to peck at his remains.

"The whole world has gone completely haywire!" Fred the pickle cried in alarm. "MAKE IT STOP!" It stopped raining pocket watches.

Suddenly, Gary let out a hysterical, bloodcurdling scream.

"That's just stupid!" said Duke Gareth. He lost a tooth. "Grr! Why does this keep happening!"

"Maybe you would quit losing teeth if you would stop chewing on shards of glass," Duke Baird remarked, who had suddenly become an expert on glass.

"Shards of glass! I thought that was gum I was chewing on this whole time!" the duke hastily spit out the shards of glass.

Suddenly, Gary let out a hysterical, bloodcurdling scream.

"Why the heck does my son keep screaming hysterically!" Duke Gareth wanted to know.

"THE PIGEONS ARE COMING! THE PIGEONS ARE COMING!" Gary screamed in reply. Suddenly, a huge flock of pigeons swooped by and ate up all the bread. "Nooooo! Not that bread!" Gary screamed. He ran far far away never to be seen again. And the Tortallans preferred things that way.


	17. Bubble Bath, Penguins, and Lumberjacks!

Episode Seventeen: Bubble Bath, Penguins, and Lumberjacks

One day, in the frightfully deranged land of Tortall, Cleon the treehugger skipped about in the grass. He bent down and planted a seed.

Five minutes later, the seed sprouted and turned into a giant beanstalk, just like in the fairy tale.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cleon cried, obviously upset. "It was supposed to be a tree! I'm a failure!" He ran away in tears.

Owen popped out of nowhere and climbed up the beanstalk. "Look at me! I'm Jack!"

"No, I'm Jack!" said Captain Jack Sparrow, the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main, entire ocean, and entire world.

Owen lost his grip, fell off of the beanstalk, and landed right on top of an elderly sheep. "Ow! MY BACK!" screamed the elderly sheep.

"Oops," said Owen. He was then angrily chased around by the Elderly Sheep Protection Society.

Suddenly, a random penguin popped up out of nowhere, even though a penguin would never be able to survive in the climate of Tortall. "Why am I here?"

"Ooh, pretty!" said Numair, licking the penguin.

"AAAAGGHHH!" screamed the penguin. "You freak!"

"My name isn't freak. It's Numair!"

"My name is Hezekiah," said the penguin. He then ate the Dancing Dove, simply because he could.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed George in distress. "You ate my hangout!" He cried tears of jello, and then ate his jello tears. "Yum. Cherry."

"You people are all weird," said Hezekiah the penguin. He conveniently ran away.

"Look at me, I'm an Olympic diver!" Neal exclaimed. He tripped and fell into a volcano filled with bubble bath. "Help me!"

"I would..." said Kel, "...but I'm incurably afraid of heights!" She burst into tears and curled up into fetal position sucking her thumb.

"Since treehugging has failed me, I am now lumberjack!" Cleon announced, who was now wearing a red checked shirt. He ate a pancake and sharpened his axe.

"I don't like trees!" sobbed Kel. "Mommy!"

"You called?" said Ilane of Mindelan.

"Mother, the trees are a threat to my sanity."

"Well, as long as they're not a threat to my mine! See ya!" Ilane walked away singing blissfully, leaving her daughter alone and frightened.

"What a lousy mother," Kel complained.

"I can be your new mother," said Jonathan.

"But you're a man."

"Yes, but twice I was Queen Jon! I do have some female in me."

"Yes, but I hate you," said Kel.

"Don't we all?" said Fred the pickle, who was in the process of getting an "I Despise Jonathan" tattoo on his bottom.

"Go away, you stupid king," Kel told Jon.

"Never!" cried Jon. "They'll have to drag me away!"

Suddenly, a couple of George's thief friends showed up and dragged Jon away. They put in a zoo, in a cage labeled: Idiot King. Do Not Feed."

Jon tugged helplessly on the bars of his cage. "You can't do this to me!"

"Yes we can! We got official permission from the queen!" They showed him an official, legal document signed by Thayet.

"Now I'll be stuck here forever! Thayet, how could you do this to me!"

"Quite easily," Thayet answered.

"I'm still trapped inside this stupid volcano," Neal announced, hoping that someone would take pity on him and rescue him.

The bubble bath inside the volcano hissed and bubbled annoyingly. "Come on, Neal! Get squeaky clean!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" Neal screamed. He clawed desperately at the walls of the volcano but was unable to get out.

"I have been endowed with flying powers!" cried Kel. "Up, up, and away!" He flew towards the mouth of the volcano, but suddenly stopped. "EEK! I've just remembered that I'm afraid of heights!" She fell to the ground and started crying.

"That's just pathetic," said Wyldon.

Meanwhile, at the zoo, various Tortallans pointed and laughed at Jon. "Haha!" They threw garbage through the bars of his cage."

"I'm being publicly humiliated! Make it stop!" Jon picked up some of the garbage that was thrown at him and began gnawing on it. The Tortallans laughed at him.

Jon suddenly fell down and started moaning. "No! This garbage has given me tooth decay!" He then died of severe gum disease.

"There goes our entertainment," grumbled the Tortallans.

Back at the volcano, Neal was still trapped inside. The evil bubble bath was advancing closer. "Baths are fun! Yes they are!"

"GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEE!"

Suddenly, Joren jumped inside the volcano, drank up all the bubble bath, and died of poisoning.

"I'm saved!" Neal happily climbed out of the volcano. If he was smarter, than he would have thought of climbing out earlier. But sadly Neal was dumber than a pickle.

"I resent that!" yelled Fred.

Joren's idiot uncle then set out on a mission to destroy all of the universe's bubble bath in vengeance of his nephew's death, and Cleon ate pancakes the whole time.

* * *

If you review, Cleon will give you a free pancake!  
Cleon: What! I never agreed to-  
Me: (claps hand over his mouth) Shh! Play along! 


	18. Zhaneh and the Beast

Episode Eighteen: Zhaneh and the Beast

One day, in the occasionally offensive land of Tortall, Thayet was venting out her hatred towards magic. She had never hated magic before, but on this particular today, she had suddenly decided to hate it. "Magic is stupid."

"WHAT!" cried Numair. He started convulsing madly.

"Well it is!" huffed Thayet.

Liam suddenly ran up to the queen and knelt down in front of her. "Finally, a fellow magic hater! Thayet, you're my new best friend!"

Suddenly, Alanna, who was standing next to Thayet, created some magic light. "Eek! Magic!" Liam screamed like a girl and ran away.

Numair had stopped convulsing and was now very angry. "Thayet, you insult magic!" He shot some black light out of his hands and turned Thayet into a hideous beast. "Haha!"

"Eew, what the heck happened to Thayet?" said Jon. "Oh well!" He happily skipped around throwing bread crumbs at Kel's sparrows.

"MY SPARROWS!" screamed Kel furiously. "MINE!" She attacked Jon with her glaive. Jon let out a high-pitched squeal and ran away to hide. Thom, who was standing in the background and had come back from the dead, turned himself inside-out.

Thayet looked into her handy-dandy mirror. The mirror gave a scream of terror and died, shattering into several small pieces. Thayet cried and gave her mirror a burial.

Numair was now happy instead of angry and was riding on a broken pogo stick. Roger ran up to him and kicked the pogo stick, breaking it even more. Numair fell off of it. "Ow! I fractured my left buttock!"

"I'm so disturbingly ugly," Thayet wailed. "And now everyone hates me."

"I love you, Thayet!" cried Zhaneh Bitterclaws, that irritating female Stormwing who kept popping up and wanting to kill Daine during the Immortals War.

"Hooray! Someone likes me!" squealed Thayet.

"Let's run off together!" suggested Zhaneh. "You don't need these losers!"

"But you're a Stormwing! And you're female! Both of those things just aren't right!"

"I don't care!" said Zhaneh. "I don't care if you're a human and that you're female! I love you for yourself and for who you are!"

At those words, Numair's spell was broken and Thayet turned back to normal. "You broke the spell! I'm beautiful again!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Numair. "Stupid spell! Why the heck did I create a counter-spell that would break it?"

Thayet and Zhaneh Bitterclaws then ran away together, and Owen started singing the Beauty and the Beast theme song. "Beauty and the Beeeaaaast...!"

"Now that was the scariest creepiest most disturbing thing ever," commented Fred the pickle.

Thom, who was still standing in the background, turned himself inside-out. "That was disturbing too," said Fred. "And that's not even physically possible."

"It is for me." Thom turned himself inside-out again. Fred ran off and went far away so that he could have some peace and sanity.

"I have an albino polar bear," Numair announced.

"How can it be albino if it's a polar bear?" Cleon asked in confusion.

"I don't know," said Numair. He climbed up a fig tree and perched there like a bird.

"Look you guys! I have nail polish on!" Jon broadcasted to anyone within earshot. Nobody cared and therefore ignored him. Numair picked some figs off the fig tree and threw them at Jon!"

"OW!" screamed Jon. "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"That didn't even hurt you," said Numair.

"So?"

Numair picked a fig off the tree and ate it. "Yum." He spit it out and ate it again. "Double yum." He spit it out and ate it again. "Triple yum."

"That's disgusting," said Daine in disgust.

"I want to be an Oscar Meyer wiener!" screamed Daine's dragon Kitten. She ran off to the meat factory.

"What was that all about it?" asked Daine in confusion. She suddenly tripped and fell into and ice pond and was fished out by an Eskimo. "Oh boy! Lunch!" said the Eskimo.

"You idiot!" I'm not a fish!" yelled Daine, who was not a fish.

"Oh, darn it." The Eskimo sat there and said nothing for a few minutes. Suddenly, he sprang to his feet and cried, "Oh well! Lunch anyway!"

"Who mentioned lunch? I'm hungry," said Jon.

The Eskimo dropped Daine and grabbed Jon. "Wow, you look like a much tastier fish!" He shoved Jon in a bucket and took him home.

"Better him than me!" said Daine. She ran away and decided to live in a laundry basket. Lalasa approached the laundry basket. "I'd better do the laundry now..."

Suddenly, Daine popped out of the laundry basket. "BOOOOO!" Lalasa screamed and then fainted. "Hahaha!" laughed Daine. She hid herself beneath the clothes again and waited for her next scaring victim.

Thom, who was still standing in the background after all this time, turned himself-inside-out. His father used to tell him that his body would stick that way, but he didn't listen. He was forevermore known as Inside-Out Thom.


	19. Applesauce of Utter Doom

Episode Nineteen: Applesauce of Utter Doom

One day, in the mental problem land of Tortall, Numair picked a blade of grass and put it on top of his head! "Look, I have a hat! Hehehe!"

"Aaaaggghhh!" screamed Lalasa. "It is an insult to hats!"

"Oh be quiet!" said Kel, throwing a kiwi at Lalasa. Lalasa ate the kiwi and then left so that she could spend her daily ten hours at the dry cleaners. Lalasa dearly loved the dry cleaners.

Numair picked another blade of grass. "NOOOOO!" screamed a random gardener, waving his shovel around hysterically. "You're destroying my hard work!"

Numair set the gardener's pants on fire and continued picking grass.

"You will be corrupted by the evil greenness of the grass!" screamed the ghost of Akhnan Ibn Nazzir, who had decided to make an appearance.

Numair ignored the ranting madman and wove together some blades of grass into a circlet.

"Birds of a feather... corrupt together!" cackled Akhnan Ibn Nazzir. Since he was a ghost and could fly, he flew right into a cloud.

"Ouch!" said Cloud the pony. "That hurt!"

"He flew into _a cloud_!" Daine told her pony irritably. "Not _Cloud_!"

"Oh," said Cloud the pony. She then ate Baron Piers of Mindelan, because she had always wondered what he tasted like.

"Use the Force, Keladry! Use the Force!" were Baron Piers' dying words to his daughter.

"Wow," said Kel in awe and surprise. "My father got eaten by a horse." She shrugged and started dancing on top of an apple tree.

Suddenly, without warning, Balor's Needle turned into an actual needle and stabbed Jon in the arm. "Ouch!" yelled Jon. His arm deflated. "Stupid former tower."

Kel was still on top of the apple tree but had stopped dancing. Instead, she held something in her outstretched hands. "BEHOLD!"

"Behold what?" asked Neal rather dimwittedly.

"From the apples of this apple tree I have created... the Applesauce of Utter Doom!"

"Available at a store near you!" added Owen.

Kel threw an apple at Owen. "Silence, inferior being!"

"I want some Applesauce of Utter Doom!" said Roger. Kel handed him some. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Wait, what does it do?"

Kel shrugged her shoulders. "Um... you force people to eat it and they become your slaves!"

"Cool! Now I shall a multitude of slaves!"

Alex started to cry. "Noooooo! But I am your one and only slave!"

"Silence!" Roger threw him a cookie.

"You people are all idiots, seriously!" said Fred the pickle, who was most likely the only sane one there. Master Oakbridge suddenly grabbed him. "Oh boy, a pickle! I shall use it in my salad!"

"You can't put me in a salad!" yelled Fred.

"Yes I can!"

Kel suddenly popped up and tapped Master Oakbridge on the shoulder. "Hey, would you like some applesauce?" She held out the applesauce enticingly.

"Sure! I love applesauce!" Master Oakbridge eagerly grabbed the applesauce and ate it. His eyes suddenly took on a strange look, and he kneeled down in front of Kel. "Command me, and I will obey."

"No more salad making for you!"

"Yes master." He bowed several times.

"I'm free!" cried Fred. He rolled away and hid from anyone else who might put him in a salad.

"You know?" said the needle that used to be the tower of Balor's Needle. "Jon hasn't died a painful death yet." It stabbed Jon in the finger and Jon died. "Much better."


	20. Jon Dies Yet Again

Episode Twenty: Jon Dies Yet Again

One day, in the naturally flavored land of Tortall, Alanna had made a big commitment in her pathetic life. "Guess what? I want to live in a sand pit with a family of snakes! I have vowed that I will do it someday!"

George was confused, disturbed, and hungry for chocolate pie. "Why would you want to do that, Alanna?"

"Sand is nice and comfy!" she replied, even though she was a notorious hater of sand.

"I am now very freaked out," said George, who was very freaked out.

"I appear to have an icicle for a brain," Gary realized.

"I don't even have a brain!" Jonathan complained. A complaint was usually the first thing that Jon always started out with saying.

Without warning, Goldstreak the amazing talking darking exclaimed, "There is a pinstriped pig in my bathtub! Run away!"

Cleon caught sight of Goldstreak and picked him up. "Oh boy! Pudding!"

"You sick freak," said the darking. "I'm not pudding, you are." He slithered out of Cleon's fingers and crawled away.

"Cleon, may I borrow your front teeth?" Jon asked.

"But I need them to Cleon the kitchen sink!"

"I'll just make my slave clean your sink for you, Cleon," said Kel. She whipped her slave, Tobe. "CLEAN THE SINK NOW!"

"Yes ma'am!" squeaked Tobe, who had just eaten some Applesauce of Utter Doom.

"Kel, you're really starting to scare me," said Neal.

"That isn't scary!" cackled Roger. "Evil is fun!"

"I have recently become a member of Roger's Evil Club!" said Kel. "Mwahahahahahahahaha!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Neal.

"I have been glued to the air freshener!" yelled Thayet, who had accidentally glued an air freshener to her forehead.

"Shang Dragon to the rescue!" shouted Liam. He took a vacuum cleaner out of his pocket and vacuumed up Thayet.

"What in the name of Jon's nonexistent brain is a vacuum cleaner?" Alanna wondered.

"Maybe it's magic!" said Jon.

"M-m-m-m-m-magic! Noooooo!" Liam ran away screaming his head off like a sissy girl.

"I'm allergic to walnuts," said Owen.

"Here, have a walnut," said Kel, holding one out.

"I'd love to!" Owen grabbed the walnut and ate it. "Uh-oh. Now I've hives all over various parts of my body that I usually don't display to the public!"

Suddenly, there was a random explosion. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"What was that?" asked Fred the pickle.

"I don't know, but I think it was Cleon!" said Kel, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"Hey!" said the offended Cleon. "My gas isn't that bad!"

"I believe I have misplaced my lucky toilet plunger," said Daine, in hopes of increasing the drama.

"Oops!" said Cleon. "I think I ate it for lunch!"

All of a sudden, Joren let out a long, distressed, anguish-filled scream.

"What's wrong?" asked Daine.

"I broke a nail!" Joren started to cry hysterically.

"So did I!" said a random carpenter. He showed everyone his broken nails, hammers, and saws. "I'm a failure as a carpenter!"

Jon suddenly passed out from a lack of oxygen. "Oh my gosh!" said Alanna. "There's a lack of oxygen! We're all gonna die!"

"Oops!" said Numair rather sheepishly. "I must have used some of the oxygen to make my magic oxygen omelette!"

George put a paper bag over his head. "I'm invisible! Hehehehehe!"

Ozorne the Stormwing flew by and grabbed the paper bag in his beak. "I was wondering where my wife went off to." He kissed the paper bag and flew away with it.

That event left Daine scarred for life. "No! I will be left scarred forever!"

"No, I'm scarred forever!" said Harry Potter, pointing at his scar.

"Oh no, it's a famous kid! Kill it!" said Jon, who began chasing Harry around. Harry started to scream like a two-year-old girl. "Hmm, I think I would rather be a two-year-old girl from now on." He disappeared.

"Now that was weird," commented Fred.

Goldstreak the darking had regained his courage and decided to come back. He oozed himself over to a bowl of pudding and started to happily eat it.

"OH MY GOSH A MOOSE JUST ATE MY FATHER!"

"I am not a moose!" said Goldstreak indignantly. "And that wasn't your father, it was only pudding." He went back to happily eating his pudding.

"KILL ALL THE PUDDING!" Gray then ran around waving his sword and hacked apart some pudding every once in a while.

"Um... I think Gary has finally cracked," said Alanna.

An egg fell off of a table and cracked. "So have I!" it said.

"I like eggs," said Jon rather stupidly.

"I smell like eggs," said Ozorne, who was dancing with his paper bag wife.

The Easter Bunny suddenly appeared, and he was inexplicably angry. "DO NOT DARE SPEAK ILL OF THE EGGS!" he vented out his anger by slicing and dicing Ozorne and putting him in a salad.

"Haha! Better him than me!" laughed Fred.

The Easter Bunny had begun to eat his Ozorne salad. Suddenly, he spit it out and tossed it in the garbage. "I just remembered that I hate salad!" He then perished from the earth.

"Hooray!" shouted various children. "We are freed at last from the terrible Easter Bunny monster!"

Jon burst into tears. "But I happened to like the Easter Bunny!"

Dracula the Vampire suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "I am... hollow!" he said dramatically. Nobody was affected by his drama, and so he bit Jon in the neck and Jon died.

"I am blissfully unaffected by this sudden loss," droned Thayet.

"I must go now go off and polish my freakishly large fangs," said Dracula forlornly, since nobody was paying attention to him.

"But you're supposed to die!" Carl the friar shrieked at Dracula. He then started dancing with a silver stake in each hand and dragged Dracula away.

Fred started to twitch, if pickles were capable of twitching. "Too... much... chaos!"

Alanna then threw sand at everybody. "I'M THE SAND MAN!" She then fulfilled her lifelong dream and went off to live in a sand pit with a family of snakes. George got over her loss and became happily married to a chocolate pie.

* * *

Hehe, I just couldn't resist the Dracula and Carl part. Been watching too much Van Helsing. 


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